carpe noctem

you know when you want the world to open up and take you in… take you away from everything? yep. that’s now.

it’s tough, knowing that the one person who makes you truly happy just doesn’t feel the same about you. And it hurts to think that no matter how hard you tried, you were never quite good enough to make them want to catch you as you fell suddenly, dangerously head over heels for them.
You begin to look at each and every part of yourself: the broken parts, the bits you hate… even the ones you loved: you blame them. Because you’re not what you use to be- that’s undeniable. In your place is a shattered, exhausted shadow of the old you. A person that was always lacking the things they need in order to be loved.

I’d run around the world to make you happy and I’d move mountains just to be yours.

it’s funny, how suddenly a depression can leave you. like every day that you’ve woken under that massive cloud was just a distant dream- or a nightmare… but now, quite like the seasons will change, the sun broke through that monotonous grey and lights you up again. just as you use to be.

when was I last happy? I believe, as disgusting as it is, it was with you. when I felt your skin and your lips, the hand that rested gently on my waist. then, I know, was the last time I felt a true, unstoppable smile on my face. and then, I also know, was the first time I realised what it was that had made me happy. it was you. only you.

is it cruel or kind? that the only way to cure myself of the pain of loving you, is loving you itself.

I don’t really know what hurts the most. Whether it’s watching you love somebody else… whether it’s watching everybody else being happy. Whether it’s the fact that no matter how hard I have tried, I have never been good enough for anybody. The fact that I guess I never will be yet.

I hate you I hate you I hate you

fuck you, truly. I sincerely hope that one day you fucking wake up and think “shit… I wasted the one thing that could have been good for me.” I hope that day comes and you regret all the fucking feelings you put me through, because I deserve fucking better than this shit.

sometimes I hate everything about you, because it’s those stupid things that make me love you.

you have destroyed me

most people associate their bed with sleep, but I associate mine with crying.

you make me hate myself more every day

I fucking can’t stand it when I see you together.

- you’re too shy
- you’re too fat
- you aren’t as pretty as her
- you don’t match up to his ex
- you have nothing new to offer
- you’re not worth giving up the freedom of being single for
- you’re not worth the effort
- you’re not worth him

- you don’t love yourself

I wish I was on your mind. I wish you would wake up and think of little things that you’d love to do today, with me. I wish you’d sleep at night thinking of all the things we talked about that day. I wish you wondered what I was doing and where I am. I wish you cared. You don’t.

I shall lose weight no matter how long it takes me

god this is killing me

I am worth nothing more to you than a useless opportunity.

solitude is so much better than being around people.

nothing’s worth it anymore

I know I deserve better, but I end up believing that I don’t.

you don’t give a fuck if I’m there or not.